© 2016 by Bwalya Newton

CV Surgery

Presentation is the backbone of most CVs and interviews and with that in mind; this neat and helpful guide is focused on names. Sure you might think your name has come to define you, but in reality it may not have the palatable vowels and appropriate consonant placements suitable for the workplace. Basically you sound a bit foreign. Sucks for you. Time to change it.

 

If getting your bank balance to a healthy place is more of a pressing requirement that the need to establish your identity, then just follow the simple tips set out below to increase your probability of gainful employment.

 

Soon, you too can enjoy a flurry of responses from your newly polished (not Polish!) CV. No longer will it be filed away directly into the bin, for future reference. Go get ‘em!

 

A Good CV Name

 

Attracts attention, but not too much: you don’t want to freak people out or have them suss out that you’re lying.

 

Creates a good impression, some names scream punctual: Sarah’s are never late right?

 

Should present you as desperate but not needy i.e. Becky.

 

Keep It Simple


The easier a CV name is to read, the better. With that in mind please be prepared to put your own selfish desire for personal identity aside to accommodate fluctuating racial bias.

 

The best way to garner a response and make sure your CV is at the top of the file is to:

Keep it Short: A tricky Kelechi can become Kele or Kelly, Lukasz can be shortened to Luke! Not even much of a leap right? This will make a prospective employer feel less threatened and preoccupied with concern over mispronouncing your name. Can you imagine having to learn something that isn’t English as well as do your job? Un! Fair!

Keep it Clear: By clear we mean just clear out your first name all together and switch it to your middle name, (preferably English please). Bwalya can transform into a simple Abigail. This shows you’re making a concerted effort to integrate, your parents’ well meaning sentiments and attachment to culture be damned. Carpe Diem! Sieze the job that is rightfully yours.

 

The Aim of a CV


Don’t stress people out with non-European sounding names. Phonetic sounding is tres helpful. European sounding names are also OK but please ensure they’re from EU countries we’re still pals with – usually the ones that vote for us favourably during the Eurovision.

You’re now playing the game so responses should double. Your pay should be a little more generous or at least further from the minimum wage. If you’re a person of colour, your interviewer may initially appear visibly shocked when they say an English name into a crowded room and you get up… Give them a break, they weren’t expecting you. Awkward!

 

Making other people feel comfortable about their unwillingness to make positive societal changes with their privilege is YOUR responsibility, remember that in all your future job application endeavours. Good luck!

Names:

Kelechi – 2/5 stars
Kelly – 5/5 stars

 

Bwalya – 1/5 stars
Abigail – 5/5 stars

Lukasz – 3/5 stars
Luke – 5/5 stars

Bwalya Newton

2016